...So, my mother came into work tonight, and offered to give me her car again. I said no, but now I'm thinking that I should have said yes. I don't want her back in my life, and I'm still beyond pissed that she sold all my horse gear, but I really need this. I'm sick of relying on other people to give me rides to and from work, and I hate the feeling I get when I'm home alone, and can't leave. Sometimes I feel so trapped that I can't breathe, and would do anything to just get away for awhile. I've tried saving money for a car, but I can barely afford rent most months, so I'll never be able to save the money up for a car on my own.

Having a car could improve my life (even if I just sold it and used the money to get out of dept), but I hate the thought of taking anything from my mother, so the question is, what do I do? My coworkers all say I should go for it, but Amanda and Bonnie are against it, and that was half of the reason I said no in the first place (I was/am afraid of what they might think). But this isn't about them, this is about me. I want to say yes. I JUST want to be more independent, but I don't want to take anything from my mom. So should I swallow my pride and take the help, or do I just stay the way things are? Rely on other people for every little thing I do, or snatch a bit of freedom?

But this is my mother, the woman who beat the shit out of me growing up. There were times as a kid that I thought I was going to die. There were even times where I wasn't allowed to have food for days, and was forced to sit on the kitchen floor and watch the family eat while I cried because I was so hungry. I even once woke up to her holding a bat over my head and telling me she was going to kill me. This is the woman who would randomly decide that I wasn't good enough to sleep on a bed, and would make me sleep on a pile of laundry on the floor.

Just thinking about her makes me shake with rage. I want to dig my thumbs into her eyes and watch her bleed. I want her to suffer for the hell she put me through. I want NOTHING from her. But I need a car. We're about to move again and I'm going to be stranded in a new city hundreds of miles away from anything I know. We've been needing a car for over a year, and this one can pull a horse trailer. This can help me so very, very much. It's not like I'll see her ever again after I move, so I don't have to worry about her harassing me because I accepted her favor.

So, what should I do? Any input is more than welcome.